Not Done: Just Becoming. For mothers who feel lost, tired, or behind

You would think that twenty years into motherhood, healing would long be a thing of the past. At least that's what I thought it would be. Here I am, two decades and five children later, learning that becoming a mother is when the true healing starts. I am in the becoming stage. No longer in the season of bringing new life into this world or nurturing it from my body, but rather the stage of waking up.

For so long, I powered through with a fierce perseverance driven by survival instinct. Knowing things were not okay, relationships pulling us under, needing support that I couldn't find the words to describe, losing myself, not in purpose but in individualism. How did I survive such neglect for so long?

That's the beauty of being human. Our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls adapt. They find ways to shield us from the traumas and triggers of life to keep us safe… until they no longer do. That's the crossroads I recently found myself at. Finally, having enough energy to come up for air long enough to look around and gain awareness that the life swirling around me was not mine, but rather a band-aid for all the years I tried to keep face, pretend, and hope that I could change things.

Imagine one day waking up, noticing that the life you built was nothing like what you hoped it would be. The fear, the grief, the anger — it all made sense. This isn’t what I wanted, but "what was I going to do about it?" There wasn’t one moment or instance that made me wake up. It was a compilation of moments, turning within, and getting really honest about myself.

Do I like who I have become? The answer was no. And what came from there shifted everything. I could have decided that this is what was. Or I could take back my power, reclaim my authority over my life, my motherhood, and my self, and I could do something about it.

This inner dialogue of fear was what was controlling everything. I was minimising my lived experiences, my current traumas, and the woman I was becoming. None of us just arrive: we become, one day, one moment, one experience at a time.

Becoming a doula showed me how much my personal story would leak into my work, and vice versa. How could I lead other women when I felt I wasn’t embodying the woman I was trying to help them become? I needed a shift. This would become the healing. Knowing that I deeply deserved what I so wanted for the mothers I worked with, I started bringing awareness to the pieces of my world that felt off, the patterns that were consistent throughout my days, and allowed myself to notice what needed work. Breaking up with old habits, finding support, and accessing resources to rewrite the story I was living and telling myself.

Therapy became non-negotiable. Standing up for myself and saying no more to the things that brought me pain. Never giving up, even when it felt like a trauma response in and of itself. Ultimately, I realised that leadership didn’t mean being ahead, it meant being willing to stay present and honest. The compassion, grace, and forgiveness that I so needed to give myself flowed so freely from my heart for others, and now it was time to turn it around.

I am not healed, but I am whole. My heart and love are not defects, but the closest thing I have to our Creator, and He doesn’t make mistakes. So now I will lead from a place where my “good heart” isn’t my weakness, but rather my gift. Boundaries, turning inward, ending self-abandonment in the sake of keeping the peace, and stepping into the divine space that exists between me, my God, and my present self.

If you are in a season that feels heavy or uncertain…
If you find yourself asking, “Who am I?” or “Am I enough?”

You too are not behind.

You are becoming.

And you don’t have to walk this part alone.